A hard restart of the heart.
By Six.
After my most recent romantic disappointment, I decided rebounding is probably one of the worst ideas. An auntie of mine told me when I was a child
“you move from relationship to relationship, you don’t even give yourself enough time to release their energy.”
I’ve spent most of my teenage and young adult life thinking about that, wondering what’s the right amount of time to allot for releasing heartbreak. Do I just stop forgetting about them? Is 3 months enough time? Does it count if I hook up with a cute guy from a dating app?
After one of my most recent loving affairs, I learned that releasing an ex-lover’s energy means taking the time to:
Recognize that we as humans have mirror neurons and after interacting with someone for enough time, we start to pick up their habits.
I had to distinguish who I am from the mannerisms, habits, trauma, and lifestyle choices that were inherited from my exes.
Letting myself be lonely until I am content and bored until I am satisfied is probably when I’d have enough self esteem not to latch onto codependent relationships.
Upon reflection, I’ve grown to recognize how my first boyfriends set the standard for how I loved. After experiencing rape, he was the first person that I committed to a relationship with. Before him, I was pretty good at saying “no” and communicating my boundaries. After him, I think that’s when my desire to people please deepened. There were two significant experiences that we had together that stood out to me. It has been 9 years and I still remember them clearly.
The first one was when he told me
“I love you.”
It happened very quickly, only a month or two within our relationship. I was honest with him, at the time love was not present in my heart. He did not respond well to that. His reaction was one of disappointment and he hung up the phone call soon after. I did not pay it that much mind. It seemed understandable that he would be disappointed, if in his position it is likely that I would feel the same way. He shared his feelings, was vulnerable and his affection was not returned. That being said, at 18-years-old it did not make sense to me to lie to him. If given time, perhaps love would have happened naturally.
He called me maybe 2 to 4 hours later. If I remember clearly, he told me he had his phone in one hand and a gun in the other, then he asked for a reason not to pull the trigger.
Fuck.
One of the definitions of the word “fuck” is to “damage” or “ruin” something. The other is is to “have sexual intercourse with someone,” I think both definitions are interconnected. I was so scared. Even now, my eyes well up at the thought of that moment. He was not loved by me, however in the moment it felt like I was supposed to love him or else he would hurt himself. At that time, I did not know much about psychology nor did I fully understand that him being a danger to himself was a red flag. It was clear something was wrong and when put in that scenario my response was to love him. If I’m being honest, in that moment he clearly fucked up how I operated in relationships in the future.
We dated for almost a year, guns and manipulation colored the dynamic of our relationship.
If I loved him, then why not have sex with him? Because he loved me, he pulled a gun to me. It is likely that he cheated on me, yet if a guy gave me attention then the threat was pointed at me. When I broke up with him, he called me after to tell me that he was going to convert to *****. With glee, he told me how it was a beautiful religion. When my reaction was honest, in disbelief of his spontaneous interest, he yet again met me with upset. When I was honest he became abusive, that is eventually how I grew to look for and understand love. As foolish as this sounds, I grew to expect love to be frantic and manic. That if it did not have passion, tears, fear, and jealousy that it is lukewarm and sure to end.
Did I mention he’s a Gemini?
By the way, that question was intended to be a light hearted joke. All zodiac signs have the potential to be abusive, a person’s sun sign is not an indicator of if they will be healthy or unhealthy. To respect his privacy, he will be referred to by his zodiac sign for the remainder of this journal entry. Gemini dated me because he loved my innocence and ignorance. He wanted to feel smart, powerful, and influential. Without understanding why he liked those qualities, it was nativity and a newbie’s approach to vulnerability that I gave him. I was open to trying BDSM with him, willing to explore and understand his kinks. Subject to feeling like I was not enough because my breast were too small and my hair was not straight. Like a Gemini, he enjoyed having the opportunity to talk about and educate me about dead authors. A few years later when I was in graduate school he called me during my New York City train commute. He was married by then, so it was confusing to hear from him. He told me that he know that I would be “great,” he always knew that is what he said. Gemini and I never spoke again. What I remember from our relationship was his desire to control me and his interest in protecting me, both of those actions were intertwined.
After him, I learned to shrink myself and to love to make others happy.
My natal Moon placement is in Cancer sextile my natal Chiron in Virgo. When there is a sextile within a birth chart, that means that the two energies work together like a switch. To me these placements represented what happens when I did not serve the needs of my partner, I would then be put through emotional trials that negatively impacted my health (mentally, emotionally, and spiritually). When I cared deeply for Gemini, then it was expected that I serve him in ways that eventually wounded me.
A sextile symbolizes a cause and effect between two celestial beings within a birth chart. The beautiful thing about Chiron is what is our deepest wound eventually becomes our greatest strength.
After years of shrinking myself to appease others, I have had to learn a lot about feelings and emotions. With Gemini’s natal Sun having fell in my eighth house of shared resources and transformation, Gemini surely changed my life.
What I learned within that relationship was the power of leaving.
It is only when we learn to leave we are able to heal. If we choose to stay stuck in the feelings, then our feelings can eventually turn to emotions. Emotions drive us to want to do something and if we can’t do anything with our emotions, we may then begin to feel powerless. The feeling of powerlessness can result in anger, sadness, resentment, depression, and so on. After enough heartbreaks, I decided to do a hard factory restart of my heart. I stopped having sex because I do not want to fuck, I want to grow in love. Because love can not be cultivated through sexual intercourse, I am waiting until a healthy and loving relationship is developed.
I do not believe that love can be forced nor can healthy relationships be made, which is why I am careful who shares in my language of love.
To get to this place required a hard restart of the heart. A walk down my mind’s memory lane, a decision not to be a “ride or die.” Because really, ride OR die? I’ve had enough guns pointed at me, tyvm. There is nothing appealing about a relationship that is motivated by fear. When I internalized that it became easier to get my heart back to it’s metaphorical factory setting. Being bored and lonely during the COVID-19 pandemic helped me realize how fear of abandonment colored so many of my loving affairs. Any relationship based in fear and not fairness is likely to lead to some form of abuse. Accepting that has helped me reach a neutral place, a good place.
Since being in “The Good Place,” I am careful who I let influence my heart.
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